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Monica Workens

With all of the critics carping on about women “delaying marriage” until their 40’s, it seems to me that something vital got lost in their consensus.

Are single men lining up around the block like homeless mendicants at a matrimonial soup kitchen, just begging for a trip to the altar?

Like Buddy Holly once said, “That’ll Be The Day.” (http://en NULL.wikipedia NULL.org/wiki/That%27ll_Be_the_Day)

As we all know, it takes two to tango—we should account for the contribution of men’s behavior to the trend towards later parenthood.

Let’s consider Monica Workens, a 44-year-old university graduate who works as an Administrator in Dallas, TX.

She’s attractive, educated, and successful—just the sort of woman you could argue has everything going for her in the marriage stakes. So,where’s Mr. Right?

You could say he made his exit—stage left.

Workens is currently on the road to motherhood—but she’s attempting to conceive as a single mother by choice, using a sperm donor.

You’ve got to ask, what’s wrong with this picture? Although my knowledge is anecdotal, I’m hearing from a growing number of women, just like Workens, who are taking the path of Jennifer Aniston in The Switch (http://www NULL.youtube NULL.com/watch?v=EEYqgyXyk9A) and replacing the deadbeats with donors.

According to Workens, she’s attempting to conceive on her own because she’s not found Mr. Right and she’s tired of waiting.

Of course, you’ve got to ask the stock question: Was she being too choosy in her vibrant 20’s and 30’s? Workens argues it’s not that simple.

“Some of it was choosing the wrong guys and staying with them for too long–and my focus on my career turned a lot of guys off,” she says.

The going started to get tough once she hit her 30’s and she learned that men’s attitudes seem to have changed—many didn’t want to have kids.

“What I’ve found is that if men are not married around 30, it’s probably for a reason.”

“Usually it’s because they do not want responsibility or commitment.”

Workens has even come up with a special name for non-committers—she calls them the “Free Riders.” She believes that if they have not married by their 30’s, they are increasingly unlikely to.

The next group consists of the men who’ve been torched by a first marriage.

“Financially, they may have been badly burned and do not want to have any additional ‘burden’ with a second family,” she continues.

The third thread to the demise of Mr. Right, she suggests, stems from many men’s “failure to launch” from the nest.

“We have not done a great job in teaching our young men and women about life’s balance,” says Workens.

“Part of being successful and contributing to society is learning how to commit and deal effectively with all kinds of issues.”

So, where oh where did Mr. Right go?

According to Workens—having done her own informal ‘study’ by interviewing men in recent years—the fall-out is concerning.

“Many men in their late 30’s, 40’s and 50’s want companionship—especially the physical type—but not a traditional relationship,” she says.

With growing numbers of hitherto unconventional families—including single moms and dads by choice (or not), gay couple parenting and divorced parents with blended families—she feels it’s time to accept the new age of the family.

“Our medical community needs to be more open to single women in their 40’s conceiving and becoming mothers,” she adds.

“The government is going to have to start recognizing these trends and plan accordingly.”

Notes for this blog:

Angel La Liberte is the founder of the website Flower Power Mom—The Truth About Motherhood After 40 (www.flowerpowermom.com), a regular blog featuring commentary, real mom stories and expert advice about motherhood after 40. She gave birth to her children at 41 and 44 after conceiving naturally.

She also founded A Child After 40, a new online community to empower all women on the journey of motherhood after 40—via natural conception, IVF, ART, egg/sperm donation, surrogacy, adoption and parenting.https://achildafter40.com/a-child-after-40-online/

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8 Responses to What Happened To Mr. Right?

  1. Michelle (http://www NULL.MensesToday NULL.blogspot NULL.com) says:

    Monica, you’ve made excellent and interesting points here.

    It seems to me there is also another type of ‘failure to launch’, where the man has a family and employment, but is constantly complaining about his current employment, and looking for ‘better’ employment; with the end result being leaving an insecure feeling in his wife.

  2. Patrice Behrend (http://www NULL.loves-journey NULL.com) says:

    Amen! When people question why I became a Mother By Choice at age 42 I point out that I tried for 20+ years to do it the “normal” way. I agree that around 30 years for a man is the magic time in regards to getting a man who is capable of committing – after that there is a reason.

  3. Jody Day (http://www NULL.gateway-women NULL.com) says:

    Hi Angel,
    Thanks for article. I’m 47 and have come to terms with my childfree-by-chance state.
    However, it seems there’s a whole cohort of women 35-45 who are in Monica’s position in the UK too. One of the toughest breaks can also be that when some of the guys in their age group are eventually ‘ready’ to be fathers (in their late 40s), they then have children with someone younger, skipping this generation altogether.
    I founded Gateway Women UK to support childless/childfree women 35+ through this challenging time. The reasons for it are complex – many of them societal, but individual women are bearing the brunt, and the grief, of this shift.
    Thank you for your perceptive and even-handed article. And good luck to Monica too in her quest to become a mother.
    Jody x

  4. Laurie Brown says:

    I couldn’t agree more. Glad to know I am not alone. Thank you for affirming my suspicions.

  5. Adeline says:

    I only married earlier this year at 42 and now we are expecting our first child together. Honestly, after years of dating my husband was the only one focused on marriage and settling down. For years everyone would blame me for being too career focused for starting a family late but actually it was never the case. I have a great career but always prioritized my peronal life and had wanted to marry and have children since I was in my 20s. The reason I didnt is that I spent way too much time on guys that put their lifestyle and careers first. Even though I would make it clear what my goals were there were always excuses from the other side that he needed to get ahead first career-wise, etc
    Or that there was no hurry to be tied down with kids
    Many men dont feel any kind of moral responsibility to not waste a women’s time so its up to women to take control of this.
    I just see that younger women need to be more savy on who they spend their precious dating years with. Also too many of us become loyal and committed to a guy that doesnt return the same level of intention. Its almost a social taboo for women to keep options open while dating but in fact that’s what they should do. If the guy that they are with is not delivering then all bets are off and they are free to drop him straight away if a more suitable guy comes along.

  6. Adeline, I think that’s a great comment. We do get a lot of feedback about men being less inclined to commit, or women staying in long-term relationships that have no potential for marriage and children.
    As far as the “precious dating years” are concerned, I couldn’t agree with you more. I wish I had been more in the moment and aware. I think that women should take more time to reflect on their medium and long term expectations when dating, and having it clear in their heads how to manage this.

  7. natasha says:

    I too agree with this post. im about to turn 43 in august and am disillusioned about actually being properly paired up in marriage before i have a child. men dont have the same limitations to conception that women do; nor do they appear to have the same level of desire for it as women do. they are perfectly fine with sewing oats till 100 years old it seems. well life’s not so gracious to the fairer sex so we’ll have to get on with it at our own necessary pace and manner.

  8. Carol says:

    Thank you for this article Angela. Everything Monica says about the relationships she had in her twenties and thirties rings true with me too. I hung in there too long with many of them and kept telling myself I had time I still had plenty of time to find Mr Right and have children. So I took time out (6 years) from that to get my degree and focus on career independence but at 39 the men in my age bracket are either happy with their children from previous marriages or there are underlying issues with why they don’t want to or aren’t able to commit in the way a woman would hope the father of her children to do. So after ending a short relationship recently I’m researching DIY because I’m sick of waiting. Thanks again.

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