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Lesley Pyne, Childless after 40

Imagine you’re standing at a crossroads and there are two roads ahead. One is worn and called ‘Motherhood’ and the other is lightly trodden and signposted ‘Childless’.

I’m guessing that you’re afraid to step along the “Childless After 40″ road so let’s imagine walking along it hand in hand for a couple of minutes after which you can return to the crossroads with more knowledge as to what the road might be like for you.

So here we go,

1. First steps – you feel grief and sadness, sometimes crippling. No one understands how you feel and why you feel that way, after all nothing’s changed so what’s the problem?  Everywhere you look there are babies or people getting pregnant and it makes you so ashamed that you want to hide.

 

2. A few more steps – you feel anger at everyone who gets pregnant over 40 when you couldn’t, at the media for portraying late motherhood as easy, and at the world in general for not understanding that you still feel like crap. And what hurts is that you still can’t be anywhere near babies.

 

3. Even more steps – you’re reluctantly starting to accept the life you have.  You’re starting to realise that you can have a great life without children and that your future happiness depends on YOU not others. What holds you back is that the grief and sadness keep coming back but less than they did.

 

4. And even further – you feel renewal and a realisation that your life can be fantastic. There are so many things you can DO; change career, work part time or not at all, travel at any time of year, to places children wouldn’t want to go and be spontaneous because there’s no need to find childcare.

 

And you can BE who you were meant to be, you can finally tell your story, own it and know that you get to write the ending.

It feels pretty great doesn’t it?

Now from this positive place turn round and look back at how far you’ve come, and how comforting it was to walk hand in hand with someone helping you every step of the way.

It took me over ten years to get to where you are now because I didn’t have a guiding hand.  It was the discovery of NLP and Time Line techniques that finally enabled me to leave behind the grief and sadness and to live a positive life.

Thank you for walking with me. Please return to the crossroads knowing that there is no need to be afraid to take the other path and, if you take it, please ensure you have someone to hold your hand.

 

Notes for this blog:

Lesley Pyne supports childless women to heal their past and to create a life they love.  She went through “too many” unsuccessful cycles of IVF and uses her first-hand experience and professional skills in NLP and time line techniques to help other childless women.  Her website is www.LesleyPyne.co.uk (http://www NULL.LesleyPyne NULL.co NULL.uk)

11 Responses to Can You Face Being Childless After 40?

  1. Carol (http://www NULL.babylovedoulas NULL.com) says:

    I chose not to have a child of my own; but my husband and I ended up co-parenting our God-daughter with her father. (A complicated and heart-wrenching set of circumstances.) She’s a fabulous young woman of 40-something now w/3 children of her own.

    Life threw us lots of curve balls. And now I have the very best of all my many careers: as a postpartum doula, supporting and caring for new mothers & their newborns.

    I guess what I want to say is that there are many ways to satisfy a need to nourish, teach, love, calm and provide unconditional emotional, physical and practical support. Life’s a journey not a guided tour!

  2. Angel La Liberte (http://www NULL.achildafter40 NULL.com) says:

    Carol,
    Thank you for commenting on this very sensitive subject. I agree that there are many ways to give love and nurture babies, children and young people. There are so many in need of that love.
    I went through the very challenging emotional process that Lesley describes in this blog article. It was just after my 40th birthday and I wasn’t to know that I would shortly meet my second husband or that I would conceive my children naturally. I assumed it was all over in the motherhood department.
    I think if we can explore the pathway, as Lesley suggests, that we may not be so weighed down with fear or despair and begin to accept what comes, and it whatever way it comes to us.
    Most of all, it’s better if women know they are not alone on this pivotal and profound issue.

  3. Lisa Mcloughlin (http://Www NULL.greenaldercoaching NULL.co NULL.uk) says:

    Thank you for this wonderful blog post. I am on the path less travelled and can relate to every single point you raised…and I am coming out the other side of it ;) )

  4. Angel La Liberte (http://www NULL.achildafter40 NULL.com) says:

    Congratulations, Lisa, on the courage to take the path less traveled. If you have any advice to share that may help other women facing this same journey, please feel welcome to post it here in comments, or write to me via out contact page: http://achildafter40.com/contact/

  5. Kristy says:

    I am 44 and have 3 children from a previous marriage. My new husband only has one child who is 23. We would really like to have a child together but have had no luck. What can I do to help my fertility? Also, do I HAVE to go to a doctor to test my fertility?

  6. Caroline Spencer (http://www NULL.successfullysingle NULL.co NULL.uk) says:

    Great article Lesley. Certainly some of the single women over 40 who I work with on whether to have a baby on their own or not end up coming to the decision that a childless life is the one for them and then have to go down the road less travelled as you describe it here.

  7. JisYsa says:

    Thank you so much for this blog, Leslie, and also for your website. I’m not childless – I have a beautiful 2.5 year old. I grew up very close to my sibling, and find it difficult to imagine her growing up without one, but am currently experiencing my second miscarriage since we started trying again a year ago. It’s very hard, even with a child, to have to perhaps let go of a vision I very much want, but I think its healthier for me to follow the steps that you’ve outlined, and to imagine a life with only one, than to obsess about wanting a number two (as I confess I’ve been doing.) We’ll keep trying for number two, but I’ll also work on convincing myself that life with only one can be very fulfilling too (since yes, there are many other areas in my life that need work too.) So, just to say, this has been useful for me too!

  8. Cathy P (http://talesofanoldnewmom NULL.blogspot NULL.com) says:

    Very nice post. After years of trying for a baby, I turned 40 and started feeling as if it were time to put my dreams of motherhood behind me. On more than one occasion over the next several months, I had a good cry, told myself that while being childless might not be what I had hoped for, it could be a good life, too. Then I picked myself up and celebrated the moments spent with family and friends. That’s not to say I was “cured” of wanting a child, but acknowledging and taking part in all of the good things in my life made those moments of sadness easier to bear.

    I did — finally — get pregnant later that year, and now I have a healthy 2-year-old daughter and every day I’m thankful to have her. I hope that if she had never come along, I would’ve still made the most of my golden years.

    On the flip side: When I was pregnant, I saw an angry post on BabyCenter.com from a woman who had had five unsuccessful pregnancies. She said that anyone who complained about being pregnant didn’t deserve to be pregnant. My heart went out to her, because during all of those years of trying to have a baby, I, too, had a miscarriage. I can’t even imagine multiplying that grief by five.

    But the bitterness she felt really bothered me, partly because I recognize that could’ve been me and partly because it made me feel sad for her that she was on a path to spend the rest of her years angry. The post was a few years old, otherwise I would’ve commented and pleaded with her to stay off of BabyCenter.com and any other pregnancy websites because she was just torturing herself. I also wanted to stress to her the importance of enjoying what she does have. I hope that she eventually did have a successful pregnancy, but I also hope that if she never does, she doesn’t waste her life feeling bitter and cheated.

  9. Cathy P (http://oldnewmomtales NULL.blogspot NULL.com) says:

    Just a correction to my website address.

  10. Chandana says:

    Thank you for this post. I’m 33 and struggling with infertility. Six months back I decided to stop the invasive fertility treatments because it was getting too stressful to bear and I found my entire life being taken over with the worries of infertility and having a child. I decided if I couldn’t have a child, I couldn’t and did not want to emotionally torture myself with all those treatments. I decided to just take it slow and take things as they come. There are days when I find it so hard to cope but I’m learning to look at the positive side of it together with my husband who stands by me unconditionally. The only worry what will happen when we grow old and lonely. But I’m sure we’ll sail through it too.

    Your post made me feel so good, thank you for this.

  11. Ashley says:

    I had always planned on having a child. When I found my husband at 39 and he told me he didnt want children I begane to morn that hope for my life. one year later and he has changed my mind and i’m scared because i think I have too. I dont want to be 40 and preganant and have to give up all that i have through time become to enjoy more and more (sleeping in, having a rocking body, my stressful job, doing happy hour with friends, spending all my $ on things i like) I know all that would go away if I becaome a mother. So I am almost certian I need to sit him down and say “no” but the one thing I worry about is regret.

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